Something is brewing big in this heart of mine. Something wild and untamed. Something that cries for more of God and more of His love and to just BE love in the midst of all. this. chaos. Such a mess we are, this world.
Two weeks have passed and still I pray. What would you have me do, Lord? What would you have US do? The thoughts that rush through this skull of mine cannot be stilled. Yet Satan is fighting back. Fear lingers.
All these ideas, these plans, these small pieces that Christ is placing where they are needed; what is He leading us to? While we wait and listen, we know that HE knows what He is preparing us for.
And Satan, He whispers lies. You cannot do this. Who do you think you are to take on something like this? Remember that gal who fights anger? She will return. Besides that, you will be so uncomfortable! You will lose so much of the little free-time you have. And your precious children - can't you just imagine how this will this affect them?
My 2-year-old, he has had a fear for most of his short life. Chubby little hands gripping slices of apple, peering at the red skin, pretending all of the things his toddler-mind could think-up about what the apple peel would do to him. Then proceeding to eat only the meat, he would leave a rind of apple peel much like a small watermelon slice.
For two years I have watched his little routine and chuckled. Yet a couple of weeks ago, I decided I was done cleaning dried apple rinds out of his carseat, and decided to begin the battle with him.
"Seth," I said from the front seat of the van. "Today I want you to eat ALL of the apple. Eat the red part, too." He is a redhead. He is stubborn. So even as I heard his little "Ok, momma," compliance is not what was expected.
Minutes later, I parked the van and turned to see the progress he was making. The apples were gone, every last bite, every piece of peel. He handed me an empty bag and grinned that cheeky, dimple-filled smile to show how proud he was of his accomplishment. As easy as that, he conquered his fear. It was only the anticipation that stopped him.
So here I am, fighting against my own peel. I am so scared of it. I cannot fathom what is waiting if I eat it all, and so, I continue to eat only the stuff that looks good.
Yet isn't the anticipation always the worst part? While I listen to Satan's deception, I imagine all of the negative consequences; I can so clearly see all of the things that could go wrong. It is debilitating. It stops me from obedience. It will keep me from living wildly. It is the reasoning of the human mind, not of Christ. And it will never allow me to live the full life.
Didn't I promise my God that I wanted to follow Him? Really follow Him? For if I claim to follow Him, I must live as Jesus did. Christ, He lived big and He lived wild and He lived uninhibited. He lived LOVE. He did not sacrifice just in death. He sacrificed in life.
We are praying, Lord. We are crying out to you and we are quaking in our boots. But we are ready for this life unrestrained. Show us what you are calling our family to. The love of Christ compels us!
