Old At Heart

This is not the first time my son has conjured images in my mind of his future geriatric years. Remember this?





Oh my goodness he knows how to crack me up. And, I love how he looks amazingly like his Daddy as a kid in the bottom picture. Who, incidentally, also can make me split a seam laughing.

Potty Training 102

While so far not quite like my first experience potty training, teaching a boy how to "do his business" is... shall we say... different. Some friends requested a blog post with tips. This is the best I've got.

#1: Underpants are a must from the beginning. Side note: they are NOT panties. Please do not make the mistake of calling them such in front of your husband.

#2: Use any means necessary to make the potty fun. I could almost guarantee the inventor of the smart phone had no idea just how brilliant he was.


#3. Gravity does not work on all things. Mommy has to help out a bit. Side note: do not for a moment relax your "readiness stance". This will backfire. I'm just sayin'.

#4. Potty training can be stressful for a little one. Make sure he has good playmates or fun games to help him relax in the interim.


#5: Potty training is stressful for Mommy. Make sure to have a relief trainer ready to take over in the evenings. Side note: make sure your relief trainer is prepared for the commitment the job entails. Then, when the child is standing in a puddle of urine, said trainer won't look around and ask what was spilled.

#6: Do your best to keep the child happy during training days. Elbows to the face, sucker punches, and headlocks are off limits for the potty training child. All wrestling matches and sibling rivalries can resume after the child has completed his course.


#7: See #6. In keeping with the happy child rule, Easter bonnets, gaudy necklaces and princess dresses are within the boundaries of allowable apparel.


If you follow the above rules, you are sure to have your child potty trained within 3 hours of beginning the training session. This plan holds no guarantees. I assert that I am not a certified potty trainer and would never in my life wish that on my worst enemy. Just keepin' Mommyhood real.

Letter to Unidentified Mother At Sophie's Preschool

Dear other mother at Sophie's preschool who always looks immaculate and trendy, as if fresh from the runway, at 9:15 a.m:

Let me begin by saying I'm sorry that I am wearing the same pair of grey fleece sweat pants yet again. And yes, this is the same hat I've worn every Tuesday and Thursday morning for the last two months. Oh wait, there was one day that I wore my black hat instead.

I am sure that if I were to ask, you would tell me that you also have five other children at home, ages five and under, and you had no issues with getting them all ready this morning in order to drop off your 3-yr-old at preschool. And yes, I am aware that your child just so happens be wearing a cute little polka-dot backpack instead of a character backpack.

I also have no doubt that during our conversation you would tell me that your house is spotless, including waxed tile and Windexed windows. Your laundry is done, folded, and actually put away in drawers. Your yard is mowed and the flowers in your flower bed are alive.

I cannot think of much I would say in response to this, so I will conclude by saying just one thing: today I wanted to hold my baby while he slept. So I did.

Sincerely,
Kelly

I Doubt She Will Ever Forgive Me For This

What Do You Get When You Cross a Quirky Gift From a Great-Aunt and a Daddy Who's Childhood Obsession Was Star Wars?

Need I say more?

The Moment I've Been Waiting For

If I'm in the other room, I know it's time to clean up yet another puddle of spit-up when I hear Sophie saying, "Oooo, yuckie Will!"

Today I was filled with prodigious joy as I heard Sophie follow the above sentence with, "I got the burp rag, Mommy!"

Be still my heart.

If You Want Something Bad Enough...

...you quickly learn to use the sign for "more" that your 8-month-old brother is becoming quite proficient with. After all, he not only gets an enthusiastic shower of praise when he uses it, he also gets whatever his little heart desires.


And that, my friends, to her 2-year-old mind, is quite ingenious.

My Love-Hate Relationship With My Son's Mobility

Oh, hi there, sweet boy. I always love to see that precious face!



Wait a minute. Your smile is fading and your eyes have that slighty tortured look to them. No, please don't start crying.



Awww, crud, here it comes. I thought when you followed me around performing this same ritual about ten times in the last hour you might have been satisfied by now. What do I know?

Ever Feel Like You're Just Blowing Hot Air?

I have this recurring nightmare that I sound exactly like Charlie Brown's teacher.

Will: What'd you say, Mommy? I can't really hear you because I'm too focused on trying to figure out what those cool blue things are on the floor!

Me: Oh, thanks for the clarification, son. That's why you can't hear me.

I Bet Lance Has Never Pulled 50+ Pounds Behind Him

Yes, I realize we have the 2-year-old noggin safely tucked away, while the 6-month-old... well... who knew they don't really make helmets that small. By "they," of course, I mean Target... which is my biking accessory shop.


It's quite the therapeutic activity for my children, as evidenced by the below pictures:



Therapeutic, that is, until she wakes up with 2 pounds of hard plastic smooshing her brains in, and realizes that the pretty princesses don't really make wearing it as fun as mom promised.

What Does It Take To Get A Good Picture of a Two-Year-Old and a Six-Month-Old?

I don't know, because I never quite got a good one. All I know is, it requires more than one person. Sheesh.

Hey, what are we doing in the same chair?


Mom said to hold still, Will!


No, YOU hold still, Sophie!


Hey Mommy, what's your foot doing down there?

Okay, are you happy now, Mommy?

Obviously Will is enjoying himself, but I am SO done.

Turn that thing off or I'll push him, Mommy.

It Was Bound to Happen

Yes, that's spit up. I'm just glad it happened on a day I was sick and wearing my glasses.



While I was enjoying my son's bodily fluids much more closely than I would prefer, my husband was off whale watching and eating fresh seafood while visiting his good buddy Shawn in Alaska. Check out the Phelps blog for pictures.

From Dust to Dust

I have heard it said that we enter this world and leave this world in basically the same form. My children are proof of that theory.

The other day I just happened to catch Will on camera as he exhibited his "Would Someone in this Wretched Nursing Home Please Find My Dentures" look.


No folks, that's not a diaper on Sophie. She's modeling her "big-girl panties" a.k.a. "mom bought some of my panties too big and now I have my very own Granny Panties."

Next thing I know they'll be joining Edith and Walter at the "old folks' home" for a game of Bunko.

The Bald and the Beautiful

I may have become a little too over-zealous today in my quest to rid the world of the most monstrous case of cradle cap ever seen.

Exhibit A: shiny new bald spot on my infant son's head.


Exhibit B: Sister covering said bald spot with a rather large sticker. She may only be two, but it didn't take her long to recognize my fashion faux pas.

Lay Off the Reality TV

You know you watch too much Dancing with the Stars when you have a dream that Karina Smirnoff is your kids' babysitter.

Not That Satisfying for the Work It Required

I found myself running the circle around our kitchen and living room today with a Little Debbie 100 Calorie brownie, attempting to avoid the salivating toddler who was chasing me. Really, the thing only offers 3 bites. Can't I have all 3 of them?

On the bright side, maybe I worked off 10 of the calories.

Mmmmmm... Ice Cream....

Ryan sent this to me. I am amused. I might take out the "to kill you" and make the "nap" circle quite a bit larger. Other than that, how cliche can I be?


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