I simply felt… stuck.
Tuesday, November 4, 2014
I simply felt… stuck.
Wednesday, April 17, 2013
Wednesday, April 3, 2013
Tears have certainly been shed today as I consider this part of the story God has written over my life. I am indescribably thankful. Glory to His name!!
Humbled by your reading just a portion of God's work in me, for truly, He has needed to do much more in me than just this. You can find it here.
Friday, March 29, 2013
In our Easter garden this day, all is dark, just as the world was on that Friday so many years ago. The tomb is now inhabited and a stone covers it's entry. Silence.
Monday, January 14, 2013
Oh Lord God. To find thanks in my trial... this is so hard, Father. To be joyful for this? This gnashing of teeth, these anger-filled words, this moment of screaming so loud that my voice catches, breaks. And little ones, Father. Six precious eyes so big, gazing, gaping wide. Lips protruding with quivers. They are still, those bodies that wriggle and squirm and run all day, they are still. Silent.
And yet, to find thanks for tears falling, too? Not theirs, but mine. Such guilt. Such shame. Huge, gushing drops falling so fast I can't count them. But You do, Lord. You know their number. Do you love me so much, even now? Even when Ugly comes and leaves nothing but silence in it's wake?
The tears... falling and falling and perhaps never stopping. Cascading onto pancakes flipping, eggs tossed on plates. And little
voices whispering, their tiny sounds breaking the silence of worry, of fear. "Momma, are you done cryin'?"
And still, you ask thanks, for their Daddy's absence at just such a time? The man who would take spatula from sobbing wife and feed hungry mouths and allow me escape. Tenderness calming fears, strong arms enfolding, gentle quietness speaking more than words.
Yet even now, you show me. Joyful thanks for wholehearted amazement. For lessons of reliance on my God, not the spatula-wielding, child-feeding man. For humility, for don't I often pray that prayer? For tender hearts that probe my heart and cry out for me to seek what I most desire.
What YOU most desire. Not life defeated, a crumpled mess on a cold, hard floor. To live, Lord. To live with depth. For eyes that see Truth. Clarity. The old victory over this anger, it was but one battle. A big one, perhaps. Yet You gently smile and nod your head. A layer, my dear. Just a layer. I long to take you deeper still.
Grasping tightly, I am ready. So much gratitude for wherever You take me, Lord. I am ready, only with You.
Wednesday, August 8, 2012
Wednesday, July 4, 2012
He's always had a very strong will, but this is a new thing. My husband and I spoke in hushed tones as we drove away from the store, frustrated and scared and unsure what to do. After we reached our house, it started up again in full force, until he was dry-heaving from screaming so hard.
My precious boy who can snuggle up to me at the drop of a hat and lay close while I sing "How Great Thou Art" into his ear. The one who tells jokes and laughs and finds such excitement in life. My boy who, at 3, already wants to save the world... as long as he can take a light saber and cape with him. HE is not this one - this boy who throws an angry fit until he's literally sick from screaming for over an hour, allowing nothing to calm him.
Feeling sorry for myself, I found myself sobbing by the end of the week. Why is he doing this? What are we supposed to do? I am so desperately afraid, to the very core of my soul, that we are completely messing up this child!!
The next morning I awoke to this scripture in my email inbox:
YES - this is a place we have not known - and we are absolutely blind. He will lead us. YES - this is darkness to us. He will turn it into light right before our awestruck and humbled eyes. YES - this is most certainly a rough place. Yet even as I write, He is making it smooth. He promised it would be so. And I believe Him with all of my anguished and joy-filled heart.
Friday, June 29, 2012
Day Two: Awake the Sleeping Beauties to the wafting aroma of birthday-girl pancakes. More sugary goodness in a whole-wheat pancake disguise.
For a birthday t-ball game that is ridiculously being played while it is 104 degrees outside, be sure your child shares her developing diabetes with the entire t-ball team.
Day 3: Detox, detox, detox. And then when a package arrives from the Utah family brimming over with more presents than the Obama kids have, you can detox all over again.
Wednesday, May 23, 2012
To all the moms I judged pre-children for allowing their kids to look like this when out in public, I sincerely apologize. I now realize how important it is to help them build confidence through making their own choices.
On the agenda for tomorrow: hiding all of the character and holiday clothing behind the sweaters on the top shelf of my closet, followed by fervent prayers that she'll forget all about them.
Friday, May 18, 2012
Ten years ago today I married this man. He is the love of my life; the one my heart loves. I never could've imagined where the last ten years would take us and I wouldn't change it for the world. I especially never knew how watching him be a tender, loving, so-much-fun Daddy could cause me to fall more in love than ever with him. I am looking forward with great anticipation to all the new adventures God will bring us together!