Wednesday, July 4, 2012

The Will

There, in the middle of Walmart, it was happening.  Again.  He had chosen to disobey, and when made to sit in the cart as a result of his actions, the fit began.  The screaming, the shaking, the red face.

He's always had a very strong will, but this is a new thing.  My husband and I spoke in hushed tones as we drove away from the store, frustrated and scared and unsure what to do.  After we reached our house, it started up again in full force, until he was dry-heaving from screaming so hard.

My precious boy who can snuggle up to me at the drop of a hat and lay close while I sing "How Great Thou Art" into his ear.  The one who tells jokes and laughs and finds such excitement in life.  My boy who, at 3, already wants to save the world... as long as he can take a light saber and cape with him.  HE is not this one - this boy who throws an angry fit until he's literally sick from screaming for over an hour, allowing nothing to calm him.

Feeling sorry for myself, I found myself sobbing by the end of the week.  Why is he doing this?  What are we supposed to do?  I am so desperately afraid, to the very core of my soul, that we are completely messing up this child!!

The next morning I awoke to this scripture in my email inbox:
I will lead the blind by ways they have not known, along unfamiliar paths I will guide them;
 I will turn the darkness into light before them and make the rough places smooth. 
Isaiah 42:16

My spirit soared within me as I read it, read it again, and then hurried into the bathroom to share it with my husband, getting ready for work.  He has shown me this before, my God.  Yet He knows how human I am, and how I often am lost in this "spiritual amnesia" (as Ann Voskamp so beautifully coined it).

I drank it in; let it fill every crevice of every dark place within my bones.

YES - this is a place we have not known - and we are absolutely blind.  He will lead us.  YES - this is darkness to us.  He will turn it into light right before our awestruck and humbled eyes.  YES - this is most certainly a rough place.  Yet even as I write, He is making it smooth.  He promised it would be so.  And I believe Him with all of my anguished and joy-filled heart.


andy kay said...

Ahh sweet friend, you amaze me. Constantly seeking His word and His guidance! He will lead you. And even though the "strong Will" is exhausting and hard now, one day you will thank God for that very same strong will!

MegHinds said...

Well said and than you for sharing. I remember our Ella going through that same fit throwing. We used to say, "She had one of the hysterical drooling moments again today". She used to get so worked up that drool would fly and John and I would just stand there, looking at her, looking at each other and back at her again. Lots of prayer. I used to just pray right there by her, then if we were home, we would (and sometimes still do) send her to sit on our bed. Sometimes she would fall asleep. Sometimes she would surface again, a new person. But like you, I have others who need my attention. We also didn't know how to consol her. My prayers are with you all. What is so refreshing is that you and Ben rely on God to guide you through these moments and your kids will learn to also. That's is a childlike faith!
"Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up." Galatians 6:9