Tuesday, April 27, 2010

I'm a Cracked Pot



I am powerless. I've spent many years of my life trying to convince myself otherwise. But lately, I’ve realized that I have no power. Not one single, solitary ounce of it.

Ben comes home late and I am sure to let him know how inconvenienced I am. Sophie is relentless with whining and I fire back in frustration with hurtful words. I knock over ten cans at the grocery store and let that swear word slip out. Then follows the self-hate talk. “Why did you say those things again? Last time you promised you wouldn’t make Ben feel bad for something out of his control... How could you speak like that to your two-year-old?... You just can’t do anything right. What kind of wife… what kind of mom… what kind of Christian are you?”

The theme of my life lately as been how weak I am. With this pregnancy I have been completely drained. I have never felt so exhausted and find myself wondering every morning how I will make it through work or the day of caring for my kids. I even fear slipping back into the depression that I've been gloriously set free from. Yet through those weaknesses, Christ has gently been speaking to me of HIS power. I have daily been praying for him to fill me up, but even through those prayers I’ve still been fighting the onslaught of “you’re not good enoughs” running through my mind.

And then came the conference. This was the 4th year for the Women Walking With God conference at my church. The theme this year was “By His Power.” All those gentle whispers from over the past few weeks suddenly became shouts as Christ spoke directly to my heart. With a verse I’ve read a million times before (2 Cor 4:7), he opened my eyes to new truths. You see, I AM a cracked pot. I am a fragile jar of clay that is completely and utterly destructible. There’s nothing I can do about it; that is the vessel God chose for me – chose for us all – when he made us. I am broken, I am weak, I am nothing.

But there is much more to the story. I am not enough, but HE fills me, HE is what is seen through all those holes in my façade. His light radiates through! I am powerless. But HE IS POWER.

For it truly was not of me to have the grace to simply say, “Okay, thanks for letting me know,” with the last minute warning that Ben’s Bible study was at our house last night. It was not my will that caused me to pause, breathe, and respond with tender words when Sophie’s plate full of peas hit the floor at lunch today. It certainly was not my humanness that spoke reminders to my heart of how I am a princess of the KING before yet another tear slipped from these eyes over this pregnant body.

Join me in praying for His power today. It is exhilerating to feel him at work. You have but to ask... he is waiting to do more than you can imagine.

14 comments:

Anonymous said...

Kelly I am truly amazed at your strength and devotion to your faith and your family. Everyone has gone through what you are going through and you can't feel too guilty for being a mother, a wife and having a career. Keep your faith it will keep you sane.

Michelle T said...

I love it! I'm bookmarking this very post to come back to when I have moments like those. I should have it memorized by the end of the week!

Thanks for the reminder and perfect synopsis of the conference!!

Ryan Corcoran said...

It's amazing, really... As I was reading that, it was almost like my own wife had written that (except for the kids part). She struggles with the exact same type of stuff, and I feel so bad for her, because I don't know how to help her. It's easy for me to tell her the same thing I tell myself, "let go, and let God," but that's always easier said than done. Just remember that God dwells in his church, and all you have to do is reach out for help, and another part of the body will take care of it.

The Hudkins Family said...

He is my strength everyday. My son wears me out. I can not make it through a single day without relying on God.

D's Mom said...

Beautiful writing and very true words. TRUE strength comes from Him!

Love you sis.

Grandma Eroh said...

Sweet Kelly, Beautiful words. You are so much like your mother, except that your faith at this stage in your life is immeasurably more than mine was! What a wonderful reminder of a powerful conference! God filled my cracked pot with the love I felt having my daughters there with me. I love you, Kell Bell!

Shyla said...

Thanks for the post. Your honesty helped me see all the ways I'm afraid to admit I am weak and can't make it on my own. You have challenged me to be more vulnerable and open. It's okay to be weak and full of God's strength and not my own

Amy in Edmond said...

You are an amazing person to share some very personal things on your blog with others.

God will bless you.

Thanks for your example.

John and Megan said...

I understand and rejoice with you in the power of HIS strength. Thanks for your honesty.

kauffeegrl said...

Thanks for being "real" and reminding me that it is only through our weakness that He is made strong.

My Baby Boutique said...

I have goosebumps from reading. It was such a great weekend. It's amazing how comfortable I feel with my own weaknesses when I'm focused on HIS power. Glad I got to see you at the conference!

Damon and Amy said...

Kelly, Thanks for your encouragement at the conference. It was wonderful to just sit and visit and to hug your neck. That short time together reminded me of how much I miss you Eroh girls :)

Katrina said...

I am so sad I was unable to make the conference this year. I really could have used a refresher in my faith. So glad you were able to get so much from the conference, very well said!

Tabs said...

Kelly, thank you for sharing. I really needed to read that right about now. You always have been and always will be a wonderful woman of God. Thanks for being real.