Saturday, July 24, 2010

Have Mercy On Me

Today I've been thinking about this post I wrote on being a cracked pot. It's true, I am one. Lately I've been finding it easier to wallow in self-pity than to ask Him to be my strength. I've spent many evenings crying. I've had too, too many days of short fuses where my precious three-year-old, with baby blues so big and round, stares up at me trying to figure out how she can please me. Oh Lord, I wonder in those moments, when I feel that the confusion and sorrow in her eyes will haunt me for the rest of my life... Oh Lord, how did I come to this? Please, let this not be me. Let her not remember me this way.

Is it pregnancy fatigue/hormones? Perhaps. Is it a recurrence of old depressions, old insecurities, pushing back at a weak moment in my life? Could be. Or are those just excuses straight from Satan himself... he is watching, after all. He knows when I am weak. He is a strategist and knows just the right time to attack.

So, the question is: do I let him win? I could allow him to play back that old tape in my mind... the one that is on "repeat" and reminds me of my failures - remember how hurt your beloved children were?... remember how harsh you've been to your mother... remember how you made your husband feel he was at fault... remember how dishonest you've been, acting as if everything's okay when inside you're crumbling... remember... remember... remember.

I could let him play that tape again. Or perhaps today it's time to believe. My precious Jesus - He chose to die so that I might never remember these things again. My heart should be free from a guilty conscience because I believe Him - He promised to cleanse me and so He does!

So this week, I have chosen to record over that old tape. When Satan hits play, this is what he'll hear: I am tired of you telling me I'm not a good Mommy. They are my treasures! He loves them so much more than I do, yet He still entrusted them to me. He believes in me! I will not disappoint him. I will speak gently. I will make more time for what they desire. I will exhibit love to them. Yes, I will mess up. And I will not feel guilty! I will simply start again, taking back the day.

Truly, I deserve punishment for how I've acted. Yet Christ is full of mercy to me in my time of need. Oh praise you, Jesus!

*Some of these concepts were adapted from a study written by Beth Moore entitled "When Godly People Do Ungodly Things"


Ryan Corcoran said...

That's right! You show that Satan who's boss! The only way he can win is if we let him! Now, to Him who is able...all glory and praise!

Donna said...

Hey sweetie. You write such great posts. I love this post because I struggle with this too. I want you to know that you are A SUPER MOM, WIFE, FRIEND, AND THE LIST GOES ON AND ON!! Hang in there and keep telling Satan to get behind you. If you need anything, anything at all please give me a call. Love you, friend!!!

Devion said...

Did you write this post for me??? :) Thanks for sharing, friend. What a gift God has given you for sharing His message. He is working on you. He is working on me. He is working on each person that He sends to read your insightful post. Thanks again. The finish line is only a few weeks away! You lucky duck!!! :)

Katrina said...

Thank you to Devon for passing on your message to us! I may have missed it otherwise.

What a great way to share your struggles with those of us going through the same things. Thank you!

katie said...

Good for you! Like Ryan said, show Satan who is boss! You are an amazing person and I continually look up to you even though you are my LITTLE sister. :) I love you tons and tons and I hope you truly do know what a wonderful mommy and wife you are. If you forget, remember that is Satan trying to make you forget. I love you Kel!

Jessica said...

WOW! Can I just say Dito? And then hope I really can say all that and mean it! Great post!

John and Megan said...

All I can say is you just taught your children to draw near to God in difficult times and God promises that he will draw near to us and Satan flees. That's a valuable lesson that your kiddos will need later.
Oh and by the way, I think going from two to three kids is more frightening that three to four. I'm already out numbered! :) Or, I'm too busy to think about it! When number three comes, you can even imagine what life was like without him/her.

Ryla said...

you are an amazing mom, wife, daughter, sister, friend and thank you for always being so honest with all the struggles you have. you are a true encouragement!!

Abbie H. said...

I relate on so many levels in this post Kelly. Especially, when you talk about allowing satan to tell you lies. I've always been guilty of allowing him to do that way too much.

Thank you for sharing and showing me I'm not the only one being attacked by his lies.

I have no doubt that God is whispering those thoughts of encouragement to you also.

Rachel said...

Kelly, reading your post has really blessed me. And like Megan said, your children will be blessed by you turning to God. I think all of us mommies struggle with this exact issue at different times. I know I do. Thanks for your honesty and for sharing.

Elise @A Path Made Straight said...

I just love you.

Your honesty inspires me, encourages me, reminds me of how very much we need Him... and each other.

Thank you.